Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and when it comes to discussing sex, it’s no different. Yet, for many couples, talking about sex can feel uncomfortable, awkward, or even taboo. However, learning how to communicate openly about sex can not only improve your physical intimacy but also strengthen your emotional bond.
Why Talking About Sex Matters
One of the most common myths about sex is that a satisfying sex life should occur naturally and effortlessly within a relationship, and that if it doesn't, something is wrong. In reality, good sex doesn’t always just magically happen - it's more often the result of ongoing communication and effort. This is because each person has a unique sexual style, and these styles may not always align straight away. That’s why open, continuous discussions about desires, preferences, and even the definition of “sex” are crucial for bridging differences.
As relationships evolve, so too can sexual needs and desires, making it essential to keep the lines of communication open to maintain a passionate and fulfilling bond.
Honest conversations about sex can lead to:
Deeper Connection: Engaging in open conversations about sex can enhance your emotional and physical connection, fostering intimacy and trust within the relationship.
Enhanced Emotional Intimacy: Discussing your sexual desires, needs, and boundaries can deepen your emotional connection. When you share your feelings and listen to your partner’s, you build trust and vulnerability, which are key components of intimacy.
Unmet Needs Being Addressed: Through open communication about sexual desires, what you enjoy, and what you don’t, you are able to identify and address unmet needs.
Reduced Misunderstandings: By talking openly, you can clarify expectations and prevent potential assumptions and misunderstandings from arising.
Strengthened Foundations: Couples who communicate well about sex are often better equipped to navigate other challenges in their relationship. The skills you develop in these conversations - like active listening, empathy, and compromise - can be applied to other areas of your life together.
Improved Sexual Satisfaction: Ultimately, when both partners feel heard and understood, they are more likely to experience mutual pleasure and fulfillment, leading to a more satisfying sex life overall.
Many people have never talked about sex openly in their relationship, so they don’t even know where to start. And let's face it - talking about sex can be tough! Experiencing a bit of anxiety or discomfort, especially at first, is totally normal. Those who cultivate lifelong sexual satisfaction learn to lean into difficult conversations rather than shy away. Because sex intertwines emotional and physical elements, even just talking about it can stir up a range of emotions. A key lesson for both good sex and strong relationships is learning to tolerate and navigate these emotions, whether they’re your own or your partner’s.
Here are a few tips:
Time and Place: Like all intentional conversations, timing is crucial. Check in with your partner and choose a moment when you both feel relaxed and receptive. Avoid bringing up the topic during moments of stress or exhaustion, or right after sex, as emotions can be heightened. Ensure the conversation happens in a quiet, private space with no interruptions.
Establishing Safety: Remember, this is about creating a safe space where you are both free to share thoughts, fears, and fantasies without judgement. If you sense your partner feels apprehensive, don't be afraid to ask them what they need to feel more safe, comfortable, and open during the discussion.
Set the Foundation: How you introduce the topic is crucial; instead of framing it as addressing a problem, focus on positive outcomes and what you'd like to create together. This approach makes the discussion feel more empowering and engaging.
Be Honest and Open: Approach the conversation with honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable. Begin by expressing your desire to create more fun together and thank your partner for their openness. Take turns sharing your thoughts, desires, and any concerns.
Get Curious Together: It's totally normal if you don't know exactly what you want when it comes to sex or spicing things up in the bedroom. If you're unsure, be open to discussing and exploring different actions, behaviours, desires and fantasies (you can do this alone or with your partner), and take note of the things you're curious about, would like to know more about, or are ready to try.
Listen Actively: Good communication isn’t just about talking - it’s also about listening. Take turns speaking and listening, keeping an open mind, avoid judging yourself or your partner, and let feelings of shame or embarrassment be felt and shared. Be patient and respectful of your partners feelings, even if they’re different from your own. Repeat what you hear your partner say and ask for clarity. This will help to make your partner feel heard.
Overcoming Barriers
Many couples struggle to talk openly about sex, often due to shame, embarrassment, fear of rejection, or simply not knowing how to start the conversation. It’s normal to feel hesitant about discussing sex, especially if it’s a new topic for you. Remember that sex is a natural and important part of any romantic relationship, and try to normalise the conversation as you would with any other aspect of your partnership. Honest and open communication builds trust and helps you understand each other’s needs without judgment. If you and your partner have different desires, see it as an opportunity to explore new ways of connecting - compromise and creativity can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship for both of you.
The Rewards of Open Communication
When couples make a conscious effort to talk openly about sex, they often find that their relationship becomes stronger, more resilient, and more deeply connected. The benefits extend beyond the bedroom, improving overall communication, trust, and satisfaction in the relationship.
Remember, talking about sex doesn’t have to be perfect - it just has to be honest. By embracing the conversation with curiosity and compassion, you and your partner can unlock a new level of intimacy and connection.
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!
A great way to begin communicating about sex is through prompts - simple, open-ended questions that encourage reflection on various aspects of your sex life. These prompts can feel less intimidating than starting a conversation from scratch. (If you've used our "Conscious Connection" prompts before, you'll be familiar with this style of communication.)
For couples new to sexual communication, conversation prompts can help to get the conversation started and ease some of that initial discomfort. Set aside a time to go through a few of these prompts together, keeping the conversation curious, relaxed, and lighthearted. Each partner can answer, and if any prompt feels too uncomfortable, you can always skip it. As you grow more comfortable, try creating your own prompts to continue exploring together.
Do you feel comfortable talking about sex and intimacy with me? If not, what can I do to help you feel comfortable?
What is something you love about our sex life?
What helps you to feel most connected to me?
What’s one thing you think we do really well together in our intimate moments?
If you I to write wedding vows for our sex life, this is what I would want to promise you...
What’s a favorite memory you have of a time we were intimate?
My favorite way to pleasure you is...
Where is your favourite place to be touched and kissed?
I feel the most turned on when...
I feel the most desired by you when...
Do you feel comfortable initiating sex/intimacy with me?
What is your favourite way to initiate?
What’s something new or different you’d like to try in the bedroom?
I would describe my sexual style as...
How do you like to keep desire going outside the bedroom?
I love when you initiate sex in this way...
What kind of mood or setting makes you feel most relaxed and open to intimacy?
What makes you feel safe/comfortable during sex?
My favorite sexual position is...
One thing I would like to explore with you is...
What’s a small gesture or act that makes you feel more connected to me sexually?
The part of your body that turns me on the most is...
Is there a particular fantasy or desire you’d like us to explore together?
How do you feel our sexual connection has evolved over time?
How can I support you better in our sexual relationship?
My top 3 non-sexual turn ons are...
My top 3 turn offs are...
Do you prefer to be pursued, or to do the pursuing?
What is something that’s a “no-go” for you?
What is your definition of being “good in bed?”
How Counselling Can Help
Counselling can be a powerful tool for couples looking to improve their sexual communication and connection. An experienced relationship counsellor creates a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners can express their desires, concerns, and needs openly.
Through counselling, couples can learn how to communicate more effectively about sex, helping them to get on the same page and build a deeper understanding of each other's sexual needs and preferences. A counsellor can guide the discussion, helping to uncover underlying issues or anxieties that may be affecting the sexual relationship and providing tools to address them. This process often involves exploring each partner's values and expectations, which can lead to greater empathy and connection.
Counselling also helps couples navigate differences in sexual desire or interest. Rather than seeing these differences as a source of conflict, a counsellor can help couples to view them as opportunities for growth and exploration. Through guided conversations, couples can find creative compromises that satisfy both partners, enhancing their sexual relationship and overall intimacy.
In essence, counselling provides couples with the skills and support they need to talk about sex more comfortably. At Hills Relationship Centre, we also have a number of workbooks and resources designed to help you and your partner explore your sexual needs and preferences, share desires openly, overcome differences, and ultimately strengthen your sexual bond.
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