Communicating with a high-conflict individual, such as an ex or co-parent, can be frustrating and emotionally draining. Whether you're co-parenting after a divorce or dealing with someone prone to hostility, it's essential to manage these interactions calmly and effectively. One proven method for handling difficult communications is the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) response, developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. This strategy helps to keep conversations productive and avoid escalating conflicts.
Declining the Invitation to the Drama Party
Imagine you receive an invitation to a party. But this isn’t just any party—it’s a drama-filled event hosted by your ex, where the theme is blame, accusations, and emotional outbursts. You know this party well. The music is loud with insults, the decorations are made of guilt, and every guest is expected to engage in endless arguments that go nowhere.
Now, just because you received the invitation doesn’t mean you have to attend. You have a choice. You could RSVP, get dressed up in defensiveness, and show up ready to argue and defend yourself all night. But at the end of it, you’ll leave feeling drained, frustrated, and like you’ve accomplished nothing. The cycle continues.
Or, you could politely decline the invitation.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the issues or not caring—it means choosing not to participate in the emotional game that keeps fueling conflict. Instead of engaging in the blame and accusations, you respond calmly, stick to the facts, and refuse to escalate the situation.
By using the BIFF method (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm), you’re essentially saying, "Thanks for the invitation, but I won’t be attending this party."
The BIFF Method: A Practical Guide
1. Brief
Keep your messages short and to the point. Long-winded responses only give the other person more material to latch onto for criticism or argument. A BIFF response should be no longer than a paragraph, with 3-5 sentences. Resist the temptation to address every accusation or misinformation presented. Instead, focus on providing just enough information to move forward.
For example, if your ex sends a lengthy, accusatory email, respond with a simple acknowledgment and necessary information.
Keeping it brief not only saves you time but also avoids the back-and-forth often sought by high-conflict individuals.
2. Informative
The goal of your response is to provide factual information without getting defensive or emotional. Simply clarify any misinformation and stick to the facts without blaming or justifying. You don’t need to address every accusation—just provide the relevant information.
3. Friendly
Although it can be challenging, especially when the other person is being hostile, aim for a friendly tone. Starting with a simple, non-antagonistic greeting can de-escalate the situation and set a positive tone. This doesn’t mean you need to be overly cheerful or fake; just polite and respectful.
A good way to start your BIFF response could be: "Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate your concern. Here's what I can share on the matter..." or "Thank you for your concern. I want to clarify a few things to avoid any confusion moving forward..."
This type of response sets a positive tone while staying focused on addressing the issue directly. It acknowledges the other person's concern without encouraging an argument and helps keep the interaction constructive. By using a friendly tone, you reduce the chances of further escalating hostility and may even encourage a more cooperative response.
4. Firm
Finally, your response should be firm, not harsh. Being firm means bringing the conversation to a close without inviting further unnecessary discussion. If a decision has been made, state it clearly and confidently. Avoid leaving open-ended questions or making comments that leave room for more back-and-forth exchanges.
Applying BIFF to Co-Parenting Scenarios
Co-parenting can be a breeding ground for high-conflict situations, especially when emotions are running high. However, using the BIFF approach can help minimise conflict and maintain focus on what truly matters—your child’s well-being.
For example, when your ex sends you an accusatory message filled with emotional triggers, instead of reacting defensively and joining the "party," you keep it short and factual. Here are some example:
Accusatory message from your ex: "You never put the kids or I first! It’s always about your job, your friends, or whatever else is more important to you. Why can’t you just be a good parent for once?"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. The kids’ well-being is my top priority, and I’ll continue to support them as best I can. Let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to discuss regarding their care."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You never keep me updated on what’s going on with the kids! I’m always the last to know, and it’s so frustrating. You need to start communicating better!"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"Thanks for your message. I’ll make sure to keep you informed about the kids’ important updates. If there’s anything specific you’d like more information on, feel free to reach out."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You’re so disrespectful to me in front of the kids! You undermine everything I do, and I’m sick of it. You need to start showing some basic decency!"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I will continue to be respectful during our interactions. If you have any concerns about the kids, let me know."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You always do things your way without consulting me. You don’t care about what’s best for the kids or me, and it’s clear that you only want control. Why can’t you be a team player for once?"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"Thank you for sharing your perspective. I’ll continue to follow the parenting plan we’ve agreed on. If you’d like to discuss specific changes, I’m open to that."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You’re so selfish! You only think about yourself, and you never make any sacrifices for the kids or for me. I’m tired of doing everything alone!"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"Thanks for expressing your thoughts. I’m committed to doing what’s best for the kids and will continue to do my part. I'm open to having a discussion if there's something specific you'd like to address."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You’re never flexible when it comes to the kids’ schedules and making changes! It’s like you don’t care about what’s best for them or me, and you only want to stick to the rules when it benefits you."
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"I appreciate your concerns. While I am open to making changes, t's not always possible or practical. I will continue to follow the schedule we’ve agreed upon, and if you want to discuss any specific schedule changes, please let me know."
Accusatory message from your ex: "You never pay your fair share for the kids’ expenses! I’m always picking up the slack, and you never even offer to help. When are you going to start acting responsibly?"
Your BIFF response (declining the invitation):"Thank you for bringing this up. I will continue to meet my financial obligations as outlined in our agreement. I am open to discussion if there’s something specific you need me to address."
In these responses, you are:
Brief: One short paragraph.
Informative: You address the issue and provide clarity.
Friendly: You open with a polite acknowledgment.
Firm: The response is conclusive, offering no bait for further argument.
These examples show how you can remain calm, factual, and non-reactive while addressing the important points, without feeding into emotional conflict or drama. Each response "declines the invitation" to participate in a heated exchange, focusing instead on resolving the matter effectively and moving forward. By choosing not to engage in the emotional games that lead to unnecessary conflict, you're left with more energy, peace of mind, and a stronger ability to focus on your children, co-parenting, and your own well-being.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries in communication, especially with a high-conflict ex, is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and maintaining control over the conversation. Boundaries prevent you from getting pulled into cycles of blame, accusations, or emotional escalation. A key strategy for setting boundaries is to remain calm, factual, and focused on the topic at hand—without getting drawn into defensiveness or over-explaining yourself. The goal is not to “win” the argument, but to disengage from the drama while still addressing any necessary points.
For example, if your ex accuses you of being inflexible with the kids’ schedule, instead of getting defensive, you can set a boundary by calmly stating: "I am open to being flexible when possible, but last-minute schedule changes may not always be practical. Going forward, I will need prior notice for any changes." This response acknowledges the concern without engaging in a blame game, clearly sets your limits, and offers a reasonable solution. By doing so, you’re asserting your boundaries while maintaining a constructive tone, ensuring that expectations are clear.
In another instance, if your ex attacks your parenting style, you could respond by saying: "Thank you for your feedback. I’m open to discussing this, but I won’t be able to engage if the conversation becomes accusatory. I will continue to follow the parenting plan we agreed upon." This sets a firm boundary by staying focused on the facts and making it clear you won’t engage in personal attacks. In both examples, you’re reinforcing that while constructive communication is welcome, you won’t participate in emotionally charged or unproductive exchanges.
When to Avoid Responding
Not every hostile message deserves a response. In some cases, the best action is no action at all. Hostile emails or texts that are merely venting may not require your engagement. However, if the message contains factual inaccuracies that could impact legal matters or be shared with others, it may be necessary to provide a BIFF response to correct those errors.
Communicating with a high-conflict individual, especially in co-parenting, can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. By using the BIFF method, you can manage hostile exchanges in a way that is respectful, efficient, and productive. This approach minimises conflict, focuses on the facts, and helps maintain peace—essential for your mental health and the well-being of any children involved.
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